Buffy the Vampire Slayer: a Parody
by shiny silver grl
Summary: A humorous and slightly sarcastic recap of BTVS....includes in-depth obsession of Angel's Leather pants, Buffy's wonder bra, and lots of comments from the viewers. Complete up through season 5.
1. season 1

Title: Buffy the Vampire Slayer: a Parody

**Title**: Buffy the Vampire Slayer: a Parody

  
**Written**: 1-5-01 through 1-16-01 (Updated on 6.7.01 – season five added)

  
**Feedback**: Yes, please!!! This is only my second fic attempt!

  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the characters, sets or concepts found within, nor do I intend any disrespect to any of the aforementioned. I'm just having a little fun : ) I love this show really…I swear.

  
**Distribution**: Ask, and you shall receive : )

**Spoilers:** up through the end of season 5. TOTALLY spoiled!!!  
  


***

  
_Season One_

_ _

_ _

***  
  
  
  
  
Buffy walks into Sunnydale High wearing a short skirt and a wonder bra that keeps her breasts up alarmingly high.  
  
Buffy: "Hi! I'm new here, and please don't be suspicious about me because I carry a wooden stake around in my purse"  
  
Xander and Willow walk in. 

Xander: "Hi, I'm Xander.....please let me fall all over myself in being the first guy to fall in love with you that you don't care anything about."  
  
Buffy: "Okay"  
  
Xander: "And this is Willow, she's the resident computer nerd who can somehow manage to hack into any records we might need, despite firewalls and fool proof security measures. She's also seen the softer side of Sears."  
  
Willow: "Hi. please don't notice me."  
  
They stand there until Giles comes running up. Giles: "Something horrible is about to happen, we must stop it!"  
  
Buffy swings around to face Giles and we all worry that her breasts will knock him over. Buffy: "Wah, I'm tired of being a slayer. Why do I have to do everything? Wah."  
  
Giles: "Because you're the chosen one."  
  
Buffy: "I didn't ASK to be chosen! I didn't ASK for this kind of life!"  
  
Giles: "But you are the slayer! The one girl in all the world with the strength and skill to....."  
  
Buffy: "yeah, I got it."  
  
Xander: "Wow Buff, that skirt is **awesome**! It's so **SHORT**!"  
  
Buffy: "Thanks! You're such a great friend."  
  
Xander: (dejected) "What's happening, anyway?"  
  
Giles: "That's not important. What IS important is that we must pound into the ground the fact that Buffy is the slayer, that she really wishes she hadn't been chosen, and that she's gonna cry about it in every bloody episode."  
  
Xander: "Oh, okay."  
  
Buffy: "Okay, let's go kill something, then."  
  
Angel walks in. He is dark and handsome and **brooding**! 

Angel: "Hi, I can't really act, but none of you will notice this until the fifth season when you all fall in love with Spike and go back and review the first three seasons, realizing suddenly that I never had more than three facial expressions. It's okay though, 'cause I look **REALLY** hot in this white t-shirt and black blazer. Have I mentioned that I'm brooding?"  
  
Buffy (smitten): "Hi!"  
  
Angel: "How **you** dooin'?"  
  
Xander: "I hate him."  
  
Willow: (quietly): "I love you Xander!"  
  
Giles: "Hello! Evil thing we've gotta fight! There's a bad prophecy!"  
  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** who prophecies all this stuff, anyway? Every time the gang needs some information, somewhere, somehow, someone has conveniently prophesized what's going to happen. Whatever.  
  
  
  
Buffy: "oh yeah. Well, I'm the slayer, I'll do it, yadda yadda yadda. But Willow, why don't you do some computer research for me, and Xander, you can check all the lockers for clues, and Giles, I can make you feel guilty for not helping more.....'cause obviously you're supposed to do more than train me and care for me and teach me how to not get killed and stuff, and get knocked out in half the episodes."  
  
Angel: "What can I do?"  
  
**_(the viewers):_** STAND THERE AND LOOK HOT!   
  
Buffy: "You can come back in every other episode and tell me something cryptic that doesn't really make any sense or help me at all. And then we can fall for each other, and decide not to pursue it.....and then you can come back a few episodes later and we can totally forget about what we said."  
  
Angel: "Cool" (broods)  
  
Xander: "I hate him."

  
  
**Int: Library.**  
  
Giles: "Buffy, don't you find it odd that almost all of our scenes are filmed in the library, the cemetery, or the Bronze?"  
  
Buffy (stares at Giles with a blank expression on her face): "What?"  
  
Giles: "Never mind. Because you had to go and dally around with boys, now the Master's going to rise and destroy the world."  
  
Buffy: "Wah, how come everything's my fault?"  
  
Giles: "Because you are the slayer. The one girl in all the world with the strength and skill to....."  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** "Agh! stop it already! We GET that she's the slayer!"  
  
  
Giles: "Well there's no need to be so rude about it!"  
  
Buffy: "So anyway, I go follow this kid, and then fight the Master, right?"  
  
Giles: "In essence, yes"  
  
Buffy: "Okay"  
  
Buffy goes and dies in the Master's lair. Xander and Angel come down to save her, but Xander has to perform the CPR, because Angel - panting - tells us that he has no breath. Buffy jumps up, alive again.  
  
Buffy: "Wow, isn't it like, majorly cool that when the Master dropped me into this pool my hair was up in a pony tail, but now it's down and all scraggly looking?"  
  
Later, after Buffy's killed the Master:  
  
  
Giles: "All right, now everyone must overlook the fact that we know when a slayer dies, the next one is called. Just totally forget it! It must not occur to any of us that another slayer might have been called. We must all be very surprised when Kendra shows up next season, remember."  
  
Gang: "Yes, Giles!"  
  
The gang parties  
  
  
  



	2. season 2

***

***

_Season 2_

_ _

_ _

***  
  
  
  
  
Buffy walks into Sunnydale High wearing skin-tight pants, and a spaghetti-strap top that shows her bra straps.She appears to have miniaturized to a size 2 over the summer.  
  
  
Willow: "Hey Buffy, your bra straps are showing."  
  
  
Buffy: "That's the style. Wah, I'm so mad that I died last year. I think I might take it out on everyone."  
  
  
Willow: "Okay."  
  
  
Giles, Xander, Cordelia and Jenny arrive.  
  
  
Jenny (whispering): "Hey Buffy, your bra straps are showing."  
  
  
Buffy: "That's the style. Wah, I hate being the slayer."  
  
  
Oz makes his first appearance.....walking by randomly, repeating "Who is that girl?" over and over.  
  
  
Cut to outside, at night. Spike and Dru arrive. Spike is **evil**. We know this because he is **smoking** and wearing a long leather duster. He is accompanied by Drusilla. She is **insane**. We know this because she frequently talks to dolls and dead birds.   
  
  
Spike: "I am the best thing to ever happen to this show."

**_(author):_** Hell yeah, you are!!!

**_(viewers):_** What the hell are _you_ talking for? Stick to the parody, man!

**_(author):_** Shoosh, you! (clears throat and continues)

  
  
  
Kendra shows up.  
  
  
Gang (acts shocked): "ooh! Another Slayer!" They look at Giles for encouragement. He nods, and they continue. "What a surprise! We had no IDEA that another slayer would be called when Buffy died!"  
  
  
Kendra: "Uh Tank-uu. Dat ees, eye ahm Ken-draa, the Vam Pyre Slayrrrr....."  
  
  
Xander: "What? What the hell kind of accent is that, anyway?"  
  
  
Suddenly it's Buffy's birthday. She and Angel have sex, and he loses his soul and becomes **EVIL**. We know this because he goes out side and **smokes**.  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** wait a minute, it's really not all that unusual to smoke after sex.  
  
  
**_(author):_** Okay, we know this because he bites a **WOMAN** who is smoking, sucks the smoke out of her throat, and blows it out after he drops her.......happy?  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** Oh, well, that makes more sense then. Okay, he's evil. That smoke-sucking was pretty cool, though. But wait a minute.....how'd he have sex, anyway? He has no breath, no oxygen is carried to his heart, which does not beat. Logically, blood should not be able to uh.....pump to certain areas.....  
  
  
**_(author):_** Oh get over it already! It's a bloody show! Anyway....Buffy finds Angel and wonders why he's being so mean. She doesn't know he's evil yet, because he's got the same expression on his face that he has when he's good.   
  
  
**_(viewers):_** You dolt! Of **course** he's evil! He's wearing Leather Pants! And we are SOOOO grateful!  
  
  
Angel flexes and struts around in his leather pants looking **HOT.**  
  
  
Angel: "Oh yeah, I'm evil"  
  
  
**_(viewers swoon):_** We are shocked and amazed at your sudden plethora of facial expressions!  
  
  
Angel: "Yes, I have two new ones for my "evil-Angel" look, bringing my total to **FIVE**!"  
  
  
Angel kills Jenny and leaves her in Giles's bed. This is bad because Giles is SAD.   
  
  
Spike berates Angel for not killing the slayer, but Angel calls him Rollerboy and this is FUNNY.  
  
  
Drusilla: "ooh, I'm naming the stars, and everything's switching, and Miss Edith wants her tea...."  
  
  
Angel: "That is SO cool."  
  
  
Spike wheels off, looking disgusted. "I think I'm going to heave."  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Xander and Cordelia, & Willow and Oz have gotten together, but we really don't notice because we're hypnotized by Angel's Leather Pants.  
  
  
Buffy: "That's it, I'm going to kill Angel."  
  
  
Xander: "Whoo Hoo! It's about time!"  
  
  
Buffy goes off to kill Angel.  
  
  
Willow: "Xander, go tell Buffy that I'm going to try to restore Angel's soul."  
  
  
Xander: "Okay."  
  
  
Xander goes and finds Buffy, but before he can deliver his message he's distracted by Buffy's chest.  
  
  
Xander: "Hey Buff, your bra straps are showing."  
  
  
Buffy: "That's the style. Now shut up, I've teamed up with Spike and we're gonna take Angel down."  
  
  
Angel's trying to send the world to hell by way of this demon Acathla that's supposed to swallow the earth, and this is BAD. But he looks **REALLY GOOD **in his Leather Pants, so we forgive him.  
  
  
Spike stands up and beats the crap out of Angel with a crowbar though, and this is freaking hilarious.  
  
  
**_(viewers cheer):_** "Go Spike! You rock!"  
  
  
He runs off with Dru, and Buffy sends Angel to hell to save the world....after Willow restores his soul.  
  
  
**_(viewers) :_** NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The Leather Pants can't go to Hell!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
  
  
  



	3. season 3

  
  
***

  
  
_Season 3_

***  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy comes back to Sunnydale after being gone for three months, and we really don't care because the first two episodes of this season **SUCK**.  
  
  
Joyce: "You can't run away from your problems, Buffy......even if I **did** tell you you couldn't ever come back here again."  
  
  
Willow: "You were gone the whole summer! And it doesn't matter that you were upset because your mom kicked you out and you got expelled and you had to kill the love of your life to save the world......I was doing spells and stuff! I needed somebody to talk to!"  
  
  
Xander: "You suck, Buff."  
  
  
Buffy: "Wah! Leave me alone!"  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** Yeah, man.....give her a break. For once she's justified in her whining!  
  
  
Some evil zombies pop up, everyone fights together, and suddenly everything's okay. Faith shows up.  
  
  
Faith: "Hi, I'm Faith, your whorish new slayer. I'm here with such little fanfare because Kendra died in the second season and the author forgot to mention it in her season 2 parody because she was obsessing too much over Angel's leather pants."  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** ack! She sucks! And down with the author!  
  
  
Suddenly, at the abandoned mansion, Angel drops naked from the ceiling. He is glistening and **NAKED**.  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** AAAAHHHHH!!! **SCREW** the leather pants! Give us Naked Angel **any** day !!!!! And even if they **did** rip that idea off of the original Terminator movie, we deduce that the lack of his leather pants means that he is no longer evil.  
  
  
Buffy: "Wow, you're alive again. By the way, we can't see each other any more."  
  
  
Angel: "You're right, that would be best."  
  
  
They kiss. 

Except Xander sees them kissing, and now Buffy's in TROUBLE.  
  
  
Giles: "You lied to me!"  
  
  
Willow: "We think you might be confused."  
  
  
Xander: "I hate Angel.You suck for not telling us he was alive again."  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** Damn, it's a real 'hate on Buffy' year, isn't it?  
  
  
Elsewhere, the mayor of Sunnydale fusses about germs and worries about the slayer problem.  
  
  
Mayor: "Ack! Ew....germs. Yuck. Ghastly things."  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** PLEASE tell us this poof isn't the Big Bad for the season!  
  
  
Mayor: "No one must interfere with my mysterious ascension......."  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** Oh no! he IS the Big Bad of the season! Where's Spike when we need him?!  
  
  
Faith: "Wah, I've had a rough life. Wah, I killed a guy. Wah, I'm gonna compete with Buffy for the 'whiner of the year' award......think I'll go join the bad guys."  
  
  
Mayor: "Well hello there, Faith. How would you like me to take you under my wing and develop a really weird and icky father / daughter relationship with you?"  
  
  
Faith: "Okay."  
  
  
Meanwhile, Spike visits Sunnydale and tells Buffy and Angel they'll never be friends. He gives his famous "love's bitch" speech.  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** We LOVE that episode !!!  
  
  
Buffy: "What I want from you I can never have. I can't see you anymore."  
  
  
Angel: "But I love you. I don't accept that we can't see each other."  
  
  
Buffy: "You have to."  
  
  
Angel: "Okay."  
  
  
They kiss. 

Meanwhile, Xander and Willow hook up and they **SUCK** because they were being unfaithful to Cordelia and Oz.   
  
  
Willow: "Oh, Oz I love you, but let me go make out with Xander at every freaking opportunity, even right after you are incredibly sweet in giving me a Pezwitch and telling me you think of me."  
  
  
Xander: "Yes, and I am really happy that I've got a hot girlfriend, but let me put the moves on the same best friend that I have ignored my whole life, even having known that she was in love with me."  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** Whatever. You guys **SUCK.**

** **

** **

meanwhile…  
  
  
Faith: "Oh yeah, I'm bad. So what do I do now?"  
  
  
Mayor: "We've got to keep Buffy from ruining my ascension. Go turn Angel evil."  
  
  
Faith: "Okay."  
  
  
Buffy: "You can't! Because Angel is **MY** boyfriend, and we totally played you."  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** Did she just say "psych"? How old is that, anyway? Seriously, we stopped saying that back in like, the sixth grade!  
  
  
Buffy: "What I want from you I can never have. I can't see you anymore."  
  
  
Angel: "But I love you. I don't accept that we can't see each other."  
  
  
Buffy: "You have to."  
  
  
Angel: "Okay."  
  
  
They kiss.  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** Whoa, déjà vu.  
  
  
Somewhere along the line, there's actually a Xander episode. He sleeps with Faith and gets all cocky (heh heh) about it later when he's suddenly got huge amounts of confidence when facing down a bad guy who wants to blow up the school. Nobody cares.  
  
Elsewhere, Buffy and Angel are walking through the sewer.  
  
  
Angel: "This is never going to work. We can't see each other any more."  
  
  
Buffy: "But I love you. Don't I get a say in this?"  
  
  
Angel: "No, we have to break up. I'm leaving."  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** Yeah whatever. This is like, the 43 rd time you two have broken up. We **SO** don't believe you guys!  
  
  
At graduation, nobody's really surprised when the mayor turns into a big, badly computer generated snake. It eats Snyder, but nobody notices because the author failed to find anything interesting / funny enough to put into this parody about him. 

Anyways, Buffy kills the CGI, and there was much rejoicing. Angel and Buffy look at each other, and Angel leaves.   
  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** What? He's not really leaving, right? I mean.....you guys ALWAYS say you're gonna break up. But you don't! It's okay.....he'll be back, right? It's a joke.....they're just trying to make us think he's leaving, but he'll come back next season just when we don't expect it, and it'll be a big laugh on us. Yeah.....that's it......right?Right?  
  
  
  
  



	4. season 4

***  
  
  
_Season 4_

***  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy walks onto the college campus wearing normal clothes for once. We don't really care though because by this point we all know that Angel really **IS** gone, and we are fully prepared to hate the show without him.   
  
  
Buffy: "Wah....I feel all left out…I don't know my way around campus. Wah.....feel sorry for me."  
  
  
Willow, Xander and Oz show up. Xander is happy because this is the year of "the sex", and he just got some from Anya, who he doesn't really like.   
  
  
Buffy: "Ha! I've got you beat! I've already had sex with Parker, three episodes after separating from the so-called love of my life. Also, you should feel sorry for me because he used me and hurt my feelings. Wah."  
  
  
She looks around suddenly in confusion. "Hey, where's Giles, anyway? We haven't seen him yet." Everyone glances around, but quickly gives up when he doesn't immediately materialize.  
  
  
Around this time Spike comes back, and we are all excited because we hope he'll be able to save the season, which is already looking bleak. Suddenly Riley enters the picture with his farm-boy attitude and boy-next-door demeanor. No one is impressed.  
  
  
Riley: "Hi, I'm Riley.....a way too-perfect and annoyingly good-looking "Joe normal" type guy. Can I be the next guy to fall hopelessly in love with you that you don't care anything about?"  
  
  
Buffy: "Sure!"  
  
  
Fifteen episodes later, when Buffy and Riley are taking a break from having sex, we finally get into a plot for the season. We find out that Riley is part of a secret government project called the Initiative. His boss Maggie has created the big bad of the season in the form of Adam......the Great Pooferini of all Big Bads.  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** Oh no!** PLEASE** tell us this boring conglomeration of crap isn't the new big bad! Where's the mayor when we need him!?  
  
  
We also learn that Oz cheated on Willow with another werewolf, and that Xander and Anya are going at it like bunnies in the attempt to out-sex Buffy and Riley. They **FAIL MISERABLY**

** **

_(viewers):_****Oz...we miss Oz.....  
  
  
Willow: "Hey, where's Giles, anyway?"  
  
  
Everyone looks around, but no one sees him.  
  
  
Xander shrugs. "I dunno.....but hey, what's going on this season?"  
  
  
Spike: "Oh, I know this one. Your Nancy-boy Riley, there, belongs to the Initiative. They kidnapped me and stuck a chip in my head that inhibits me from killing people. This is really just a plot device to enable my character to hang around with you scoobies, and give the viewers something decent to watch this season."  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** hell yeah!  
  
  
Buffy: "Yeah, and I think also we're supposed to kill that Adam guy, or something."  
  
  
Somewhere along the line we actually get a good episode, in "Something Blue." Buffy and Spike get engaged because of a spell of Willow's, and this is **funny** . Unfortunately, the spell is reversed, and everything goes back to (*cough CRAP cough*) normal. Everything just goes from bad to worse, though, when Faith comes back and switches bodies with Buffy.  
  
  
Riley: "Hey, Faith.....er, Buffy. Why don't we get it on, and I can tell you I love you for the first time, even though I obviously hardly know you.....otherwise I would have been able to tell how oddly you were acting."  
  
  
Faith/Buffy: "Five by five.....er, I mean Okay!"  
  
  
(later)  
  
  
Buffy: "You slept with Faith?!"  
  
  
Riley: "I slept with **you**"  
  
  
**_(viewers, understanding that Riley's a bit slow...):_** No, that was **Faith**! And Angel would never have done that. Good **God**, man..... even _Xander_ didn't take advantage of Buffy when she wasn't herself in _Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered_! You suck, Riley.  
  
  
Riley tries desperately to shift the focus off of himself. "Hey, where's Giles?"  
  
  
The gang goes off and kills Adam. During the battle, the gang bonds once again after having drawn apart that season, and nobody really cares 'cause by this point we're all just watching for Spike.  
  
  
Spike: "That's right. I've got the stones. "  
  
  
**_(viewers):_** hell yeah!  
  
  
So that's it, the season's over, the big bad's been defeated, yadda yadda yadda. Except it's not. There's this one little episode tacked onto the end, after everything else. It makes **no freaking sense, **and everyone but one very confused, slightly sarcastic Buffy-fan in Cincinnati, Ohio loves it.   
  
  
**_(viewers, shouting):_** You didn't like RESTLESS?!!!!!  
  
**_  
(author, in a very small voice):_** uh......no?  
  
  
At this point the viewers throw up their collective hands in disbelief and vow to never read another parody from the author, ever again.  
  
  
Hours later, after everyone has gone home, a sexy fuddy-duddy of a former Watcher comes stumbling onto the board wondering where everyone went.  
  
  
Giles: "Hello! Anyone? I'm right here! Hello?!........(sighs in exasperation).....Oh bloody hell...."


	5. season 5

  
***

_Season Five_

_ _

_ _

  
***  
  


Buffy starts off the season by letting Dracula suck on her before she stakes him. Nobody really notices though, because we are all far too amused by Xander's butt-monkey-ness, and are **WAY** excited that Giles has returned from........wherever it was that he WAS last season.

**_(viewers):_** Giles! Yay!

Five minutes after declaring his want to be taken seriously, Xander gets split in two by some demon guy that's not really a big part of the episode; he's just an excuse for Xander to be split into two people so NB's brother can be on the show (come on, you **KNEW **they were gonna make use of the twin **SOMETIME**, didn't ya?). 

Even though this episode is **YET AGAIN** dedicated to Xander finding out that he's not really a big loser, we all love it anyway because the Snoopy Dance freakin' ***ROCKS*** !!! Somewhere in Australia, there is a resounding *thud*.

**_(viewers):_** What was that?

**_(author):_** Never mind, it's not important. Pay no attention. Back to the story now, eh?

Also, we're introduced to a new character this season, Buffy's **sister** Dawn. 

**_(viewers):_** Yeah, what's up with that? Where the hell did she come from?

Meanwhile, Riley and Xander do some bonding, and Riley confesses that he knows Buff doesn't love him. We actually start to care a little bit. But then he goes and quasi-cheats on Buffy by letting a bunch of female vamps suck on him. While we all think this is an interesting character development, we all **hate** him again.

**_(GLR's):_** We don't hate him!

**_ _**

**_(author):_** oh yeah, except you guys.

Somewhere along the line, Spike falls for Buffy.

Spike: "Slayer, can I be the next bloke to fall hopelessly in love with you that you care absolutely nothing about?"

Buffy: "Sure! But just so ya know, I'm **totally** going to ignore you and treat you like crap, and not think it's strange at all when you start stalking me, and stealing my pictures, and actually saving my life a few times."

Spike: "Fair enough"

**_(author):_** What?! That is **so** not fair! Just once I'd like to see BUFFY fall hopelessly in love with somebody who doesn't care about her at all. I mean, what makes her so bleeding special anyway? If **_I_** had a Spike of my very own, who was actually finding himself doing good things because he knew it would matter to me, I would **totally** reciprocate. In **fact** ....... 

**_(viewers):_** Agh! Get over it already! Could you get back to the story?! Jeez, you're obsessing more over Spike than you did over Angel's leather pants in the season 2 parody!

**_(author):_** Shoosh, you! Do you wanna know how season 5 ends or not?

**_ _**

**_(viewers):_** That depends, are we ever gonna get there?

**_ _**

**_(author, grumbling):_** all right, all right already. Hold your horses.

So anyway, Spike's following Buffy around, being cute and all, sniffing her sweater and stuff.......

**_(viewers):_** That is **so** not cute! That's stalking!

**_(author):_** Hey, this is **MY** parody, and I'm telling it like I see it!

**_(viewers):_** All right, that's it..........somebody get her out of here!

**_(author, jumps up): _**Okay, okay! I'll tell the freaking parody! Sheesh! It's not **my** fault they're taking forever to get to the story arc this season! (grumbles)

So yeah….If I might **continue**….(glares at viewers)…..finally they introduce the big bad of the season…a blonde chick named Glory in a red dress. Turns out, she's after Dawn. Who is, in fact, not Buffy's sister, but a **key**…whatever that is.

**_(viewers):_** Oh yeah, and this Dawn girl? Totally annoying. Who's bright idea was **she**?

Joss Whedon:****"AHEM!!!"

**_(viewers, looking quickly at the floor ):_** oh….sorry….

Glory: "I want my key!"

**_(author, continues): _**Sooooo….okay. Glory's after "the key", which turns out to be Dawn in pure – energy form. Spike's still in love with Buffy, and Riley's getting sucked on by slutty vampire chicks. Xander and Anya are still together, and so are Willow and Tara, even though we still get no action from them.

**_(Joss Whedon shakes his fist at the censors)_**

The next like, ten episodes have almost no plot development at all going on. Glory's still looking for her key, and Riley eventually gets fed up with Buffy making everything all about herself and bails. We all jump up and down from excitement. 

**_(viewers and author together):_** yay! the Finnspawn is gone!!!

Meanwhile, Joyce has been feeling steadily worse, and it's revealed she has a brain tumor.

**_(viewers):_** What is this, a soap opera? Next thing you know Tara's gonna get in a car accident and get amnesia, and Giles is gonna show up with an evil twin one day. Dawn'll be sent to the attic to look for something, and when she finally comes down three years later she'll be played by a different actress. Oh yeah…And then Anya will find out Xander's having an affair with her sister that we never knew about. Oh wait….they already **USED **the "sister coming out of nowhere" idea!!!

So then we have this little standalone episode where this guy Warren builds the perfect girl. She's a robot, and we all just **know** that a buffybot is gonna be built. We just **know** it. But we're all DREADFULLY grateful that the robot in this episode wasn't played by Britney Spears.

Sure enough, Spike requisitions a buffybot from Warren, just as Joyce suddenly dies. 

Buffy: "Wah, my life sucks! Wah, my sister's a key. Wah, my mom's dead! Waaaaaah!"

**_(viewers): _**Okay…we'll give her that one. And wow…this season is so depressing. What happened to our darkly intriguing yet humorous wise-cracking show?

**_ _**

**_(author, looking at Joss): _**Yeah, what's up with that?

**_ _**

**_ _**

Joss Whedon:**_ "_**Well you see, each year I try to write at least one episode that really challenges me….And I felt it was time that Buffy had something utterly natural happen to her. Something that she couldn't fight."

**_ _**

**_(author): _**So you felt the need to do this seven episodes from the end? When you've totally done nothing with the arc of the season, and can't possibly hope to fully explore Joyce's death, the Knights of Byzantium, the mystery of Glory and Ben sharing bodies, **AND**, Dawn's story all at once by the end of the season? Are you insane?

Joss Whedon:**_ "_**Don't question my methods! I know what I'm doing. Don't you know that I won an award for "Hush"? I am invincible. I am the almighty Joss."

**_(viewers): _**Yeah, shut up…leave him alone! At least Tara and Willow finally got to kiss!

**_(author, grumbling):_** You just wait and see…there's not gonna be enough time to go into all of this….

(**_viewers glare)_**

**_ _**

Ooooooookay. As predicted, Spike gets his buffybot, and he spends an entire episode shagging it. That's vaguely….ewwww. The gang finds out about the buffybot and shuts his little love machine down. In the meantime, Spike gets kidnapped by Glory who's…you guessed it…still looking for her key. We **finally** get some info on the Glory / Ben situation, and find out that Ben, the greasy intern, is the human host body that holds Glory, who is a banished God. Got that? Alrighty then, moving on.

Spike, having proved himself loyal to Buffy, is now in on the plans as he and the gang take Dawn and run away from Glory. She's still….say it with me now…**looking for her key**. And thanks to Greasy Intern Ben, she knows it's Dawn, now.

**_(viewers): _**Oh, way to go, dumbass! Still…that was pretty cool when he stabbed the minion.

Finally…**FINALLY**, we get some action! And no…not the Willow / Tara kind. The gang goes on the run, but Glory manages to kidnap Dawn anyway. She takes her back to the batcave to prepare for the ritual she needed **the key** for that will unlock the all of the portals between dimensions. Buffy takes this opportunity to once again make everything be all about her, and goes catonic. 

**_(viewers): _**God, she is **so** annoying. Why doesn't someone just kill her and put her out of her misery, already?

Willow does a little trance thingy, and breaks Buffy out of her comatose state.

**_(author): _**Ooh! Ooh! Coma! See, see! It's like a soap opera, just like we said! And ooh! Tara got brainsucked by Glory! It's like…amNESIA! Just like a soap opera! (jumps up and down)

**_(viewers): _**Dude, calm down.

**_(author): _**Oh yeah…sorry. Continuing…

So yeah…Buffy's outta the coma, or whatever, and she goes all uberbitch on the gang…telling 'em she'll kill anyone who goes near Dawn to kill her before Glory can finish the ritual. Sheesh, Buffy, way to be incredibly ungrateful, ya big **MEANIE**!

So blah blah blah, the gang goes to stop Glory, blah blah blah, Dawn starts bleeding from her cuts and the ritual starts…blah blah blah, only her blood can close it…blah blah blah nostalgia-cakes.

**_(author): _**Dude…unoriginal much? Isn't the same thing that happened with Angel? He would use his blood to bring forth Acathla, who would mean the end of earth. Only by killing him could the demon be sent back to hell. Dawn's blood opens all these portals and seriously screws up Earth…only her blood can shut the portal. Hmmm.

So Dawn's all, "I gotta jump in the portal, Buffy!" And Buffy's all "No, I'll do it!"

**_(viewers, starting to sniffle): _**She…they wouldn't really kill off _Buffy_, would they? 

**_(author): _**pfft. We wouldn't be that lucky.

**_ _**

**_(viewers): _**And besides…the rules were that as long as Dawn's blood was flowing, the portals would remain open. Even if Buffy's blood can suddenly be a substitute for Dawn's…Dawn's blood would still be flowing afterward, so how would that work? Where the hell did this little bit of crap come from, anyway?

Joss Whedon (shamefaced): "I pulled it outta my ass. I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

**_(author): _**WRONG, monkeyboy!

Suddenly Buffy takes a running leap off the catwalk, and flies through the portal before going SPLAT! on a big pile of bricks below. 

**_(author and viewers are stunned, sobbing openly): _**OMG, they really killed her! 

Joss Whedon: "See! I **told** you I knew what I was doing! Now, who can look me in the eye and tell me this isn't the best season finale ever?"

**_ _**

**_(author): _**Whatever, dude. I'll give you that this is a great season finale. But you've gotta admit that it's a carbon-copy of Becoming part II, you just killed off a different character.

Joss Whedon: "Well…there is that…but I'll bet you're totally stumped as to what Dawn wanted with those earrings, aren't you?!"

**_(viewers):_** Well yeah, actually, we **are. **

** **

Joss Whedon: "Well, don't worry. That may or may not have hidden meaning. It all connects up with _Restless _somewhere."

**_(author):_** Oh no! Not _Restless!?!!! ( _driven over the edge_, _puts her head in her hands and sobs miserably, a la Spike)

**_*author's note *:_** _heh. sorry guys…I know part 5 here is more of a recap than a parody…but this season was a little harder to keep with the flow, as they spent so LITTLE time on the season arc. Anyways, hope ya enjoyed…thanks for Reading and Reviewing, and I'll catch ya next season!!!_


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